Fly in the middle of the pandemic
“Is it even possible to be back to Germany?” is the most asked question, not only by friends and family, but also by me, to myself. I kept asking myself that question not only just now, but constantly everyday, from the very first day I left Germany until I finally am here, again, after more than a year.
I had been waiting for this flight since July 21, 2019 – the day I was in Vietnam again after my AuPair year. Because of some paper issues, which I might write about later on, I had to go home instead of starting my study in Germany right away. However, despite the Corona pandemic and the pandemic of my anxiety, I could still fly.
Leaving for Germany is leaving my comfort zone
Hanoi was my truly comfort zone. There, I have everything: my family, my friends, my upcoming bachelor degree, my promising career. (Probably sounds like everything that one could ever have wished for!) However, deep inside, I know there is one thing missing: my life. I could not pass a day without missing the life I had had in Germany and asking myself: “What would I do, if I were in Germany right now?”. Days in Hanoi kept passing by and all I did, was nothing more than surviving. Nevertheless, I did not only carry on my survival, but also carry on my anxiety of leaving all these elements that keep me surviving until then.
More than anyone else, I know that the starting point I would have in Germany is from zero: No savings, no upcoming degree, no promising career. I do not even have a plan for neither a future internship, nor a future job. I have no plan, I do not even know what I want to be or to do in the future. It is for me a real big zero. I am totally lost in my anxiety, while the whole world is fighting against the pandemic, hence: no guarantee, just quarantine.
Leaving for Germany is living my real life
However, life carries on. I have learned, that fear has never have and never will be an excuse to quit, but a reason to fight. There might be a lot of uncertainty, but there might not necessarily be insecurity. There might be a lot of reasons for me to stay, but there is still one good reason for me to leave and compare to that one only, all the others seem to be nothing more than just excuses.
I can finally except myself as a “loser”, to be able to win my life all over again. It requires a great bravery, but why afraid of losing when right from the beginning I have already been lost and have never won a thing that truly means something to me? I might still have to find out what I want to do in the future, but I have already known for sure, that I do not want to keep walking on the same wrong path. At the worst, I would return to my starting point, knowing for sure that, that direction was too, not something for me. But at least, I have tried and would not get lost, deeper and deeper.
Keep fighting against the pandemic
In the middle of July 2019, I was sitting on the flight from Europe heading Hanoi, holding the cup of coffee the flight attendant gave me, crying.
In the middle of August 2019, I could not pass a day without staring at the clouds and let my head flow to these good old days when I was in Germany, fretting.
In the middle of December 2019, I did not have a single reason to celebrate Christmas, since it is not a tradition in my country, being empty.
In the middle of February 2020, I bought my flight ticket for the summer semester at the university of Passau, fulfilling.
In the middle of March 2020, I found out the university was on lockdown, crying.
I, again, bursted out into tears in disappointment: when the world pandemic started to break out, so as my anxiety pandemic.
In the middle of August, I, again, received my student visa and one month later, I finally flew. The pandemic is still a thing, so as my anxiety. However, the belief I have in myself is, too, something that could fly higher, spread wider than any of these above.
I have made my first very struggle step. And believe me, there might be lockdowns these days, but as long as you keep your faith, nothing can ever lock you down.